Tunisia – The torture

Mini-me and I got up on our first day in Tunisia and made our way to the dining room. The food was plentiful and varied so I’d say anyone that couldn’t find something to eat had to be Mr Picky from Pickeringham. My favourite bit was the omelette hot plate where they cooked omelettes on demand. Just perfick!

After breakfast it was the welcome meeting – yes they’re annoying, yes you’d rather be sitting next to the pool but you just know if you don’t go to them you’re going to miss something important. So off we trotted to the downstairs meeting room where we heard all about what excursions were available. Mini-Me was only interested in having a Turkish bath or whatever the equivalent was – maybe a Skanes Shower or Monastir Mop-up. Anyway it turned out there were spa treatments available in the hotel so the little one was happy.
Since the hotel seemed to be on its own in the middle of nowhere we decided to go on the Market Fever tour which took you to the biggest market in North Africa, then on to a wine tasting finishing up at a Golf Club for lunch so big one was happy too.

All signed up for the souks we went to look for the spa and met what looked like Jack Black’s Tunisian cousin. He was eager to show us around the hammam and talk us through all the procedures available. The building was very impressive and was obviously purpose built with treatment rooms, saunas, large hot slabs and hydro tables. We were easily talked into buying a package and as we wanted to start our holiday with fresh skin we booked up for that afternoon. Mini-me who is far better at haggling than me managed to get an extra facial thrown in – one for that day and one before we fly off. She gets her skills at haggling from her dad ;p

Skint already, we found ourselves a couple of beds by the pool and relaxed before our afternoon of being pampered. Well I say pampered but there was a fair bit of torture included in the package too but they lure you into a false sense of security before that by giving you your own cute wicker basket containing a robe, slippers, fluffy towel, scrub mitt and locker key and asking you to change.
Guided through the impressive building we then had our robes and slippers taken off us and were shown into the sauna and abandoned. 20 minutes later we were prawn like and almost at the fainting stage. Mini-me spotted a tap and thinking it would be cold water turned it. Almost immediately we were engulfed in more steam as the water hit stone. It was too much to bear so we left the sauna and immediately felt better – but not for long as a cuddly, busty lady stripped us of our bikini tops. I got a chance to witness the torture first as Mini-me was her chosen victim.

We had every bit of dead skin removed from our bodies and some bits which were still attached too! This was not a gentle treatment and I feared she would draw blood as she scoured every inch of my body. She even took great delight in pointing out the skin she had removed – yeuch!

I didn’t know what had happened to Mini-me as she had been whisked away as neatly as my skin. Still topless I was shown to the shower. Obediently I hosed myself down and emerged to be covered in mud. Its an odd sensation standing with your boobs out allowing someone to smear grey muck all over you but it has to be said not an unpleasant one and definitely an improvement on the scrub.

Covered in clay I was then abandoned in the sauna once more. I didn’t even last the 20 minutes this time and emerged sheepish like to be ordered to shower again. My reward for being clean was to get my robe back and a cup of mint tea, which I drank in a room full of comfy settees and cushions.

Just as I had finished my cuppa Mini-me emerged topless from a room with the busty woman who was now wearing a large brown waterproof overall that went down to her feet.

It wasn’t long before I was naked and face down on a long wet table with water pouring down the length of my body. The busty woman then started oiling up my body and massaging my muscles. I would like to say she was more gentle without the scrub mitt in her hands but I would by lying. This woman had stronger hands than a fireman who does one handed press ups for fun. I was pummeled!
When told to turn over I discovered that there was a face guard that had to rest on my throat. Ipatatoooot was supposed to stop me being splashed but it just made me swallow. Lots.

Steamed, peeled, covered in dirt, washed, oiled and mashed I felt exactly like a potato!

Thankfully for our last session we were reunited and Mini-me and I lay side by side (still topless) as we had our final massage, which was relaxing, fragrant and enjoyable. At last the pampering bit!

30 minutes later, and as Mini-me had her facial to get, I left her behind and went back out to my sun lounger to enjoy the last of the day’s sun.

And yes I did remember to put my bikini top on first!

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