Spiral Weave, Kirkcaldy

OH and I enjoy visiting an array of different kinds of restaurants and pubs for lunch and overall my blogs tend to be pretty positive. However, that all changed today when  we visited the Spiral Weave in Kirkcaldy, which is a carvery from the Marston’s chain. 6 hours later and I still have indigestion and the taste of grease on my lips.

Mini-me joined us today so we thought we’d keep it simple and go somewhere local. Big mistake. Big. Huge!

The menu, which is A3 and colourful, is carbohydrate heavy and uses the words batter, yorkshire pud and potatoes, in all their forms, far too often.

If you fancy the carvery you choose what size of plate you want to overfill and, as it’s a Sunday, you can add an extra £1.80 to the cost of a medium plate because God wants you to pay more to eat on the Sabbath. (no he doesn’t, God would rather you were in church, it’s Marston’s taking an unholy advantage)

IMAG9521After much deliberation I ordered the Bubble, Banger and Pud. Homemade bubble and squeak, topped with three Cumberland sausages, crispy onions and gravy served in a giant homemade Yorkshire pudding.  When it arrived I was immediately disappointed to not glimpse any cabbage or even a bit of sprout amongst the mashed potato. Instead there were peas scattered in the pud and it looked like the mashed potato had been dumped on top of them instead of mixed in.  I’m guessing using the word ‘homemade’ gives them carte blanche to completely change a traditional recipe. If the potatoes had seen a frying pan I would be surprised as I believe the dry edge they had came from heat lamps, which had also made the yorkshire pudding inedible. The sides were dry, empty and crispy and the bottom too soggy to cut. The gravy dropped out the jug in lumps – another item ruined by being kept warm. To end on a positive, the sausages were good.

Mini-me decided to have three sides instead of a main meal and plumped for IMAG9520Mac & Cheese, Battered pigs in blankets and chilli, cheesy fries. When the dishes arrived I was overwhelmed by their beigeness. Although the thought of the sides was appealing the sight was the exact opposite. The cheese (again probably due to being kept warm for long periods of time) had gone bendy instead of stringy. The cheese to chip ratio was high and Mini-Me could have made a cheese house for the little pigs after the fries were all gone. She even gave me one of her pigs in blankets, which is unheard of as normally we argue over the last one at Christmas. The battering did not help them as what I ate was greasy, over cooked and disappointment in a beige wrap.

IMAG9518OH ordered the Ends of the World burger, which was a steak burger topped with flavoursome beef brisket ends and BBQ sauce. It arrived in a bread roll rather than a seeded bun, which could have earned it bonus points if it hadn’t immediately collapsed, meaning OH had to eat his burger with a knife and fork. The brisket ends were dry although the bbq sauce tried it’s best to zing them up a bit.  The onion rings were mediocre (OH’s word not mine) however, the burger itself was thick and tasty and OH did manage to clear his plate.

Mini-me fancied ordering a pudding but I talked her out of it as I could just imagine more frozen food left under a heat lamp.

Trying to be positive, what the menu does offer is food for a hangover. Comfort food, high on carbs and grease, you can’t be bothered cooking yourself.  Mind you, I don’t think the chef cooked anything either. By the looks of the plates we ordered, everything is bought in frozen, cooked in the morning, placed on a plate and kept hot until someone places an order at the bar.

Incidentally, as the meal was so bad, I noticed for the first time in a long time, no one ventured near our table to ask us if the food was okay. Even when the waiter cleared the table at the end he asked if he could take the plates, not ‘how was everything for you?’. Saying that, he could probably tell by the amounts left on the plates – not that he showed any surprise.

2 mains, 3 sides, 2 pints, 1 J20, 1 dose of indigestion =£35.05

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